Silly Lynn's Loud Halftime Walk
by The 21st Century Pendragon
Summary: Based on the new movie by Ang Lee, which is based on the book by Ben Fountain. Witness Lynn Loud become a war hero, or something close to that.


**Here is a different one. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimers:**

This piece is in fake trailer format, in the same vein as "Honest Trailers".

I do not own _The Loud House_ or _Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk_ (the book and the movie).

I recommend reading the book. It is very insightful.

There might be spoilers in this text, if you have not watched the movie. But for the sake of discretion, I based the material much in the trailers and online synopsis.

* * *

 **From the studio that made you appreciate pegasuses, and hate their attempts to remake Godzilla comes a tale of courage, perseverance and love…that will likely be squandered by cutting-edge high-definition 3D technology.**

 _ **Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk**_

 **If you read the Ben Fountain-authored source material of the same (long) name, then you will probably get disappointed. And if you have not read the book, then we recommend that you read it instead. It has better drama and satire than** _ **The English Patient**_ **. But if reading 307-page novels is not your thing, then settle on this not-at-all accurate summary of the movie because we're pulling an Alfred E. Neuman and going all** _ **Mad Magazine**_ **, placing all the Loud House tropes here to sum it here up for you. Because…I just like the wordplay.**

 _ **Silly Lynn's Loud Halftime Walk**_

 **Step into the shoes of Lynn Loud, a brash, over-the-top sports junkie, who is not at all a preteen version of Peppermint Patty and who is obviously not into any ball sports.**

"You know, I'm noticing a complete lack of balls in this room," Lynn says from the episode "Space Invader".

 **When the U.S. army recruits more people to be sent to the Middle East, they sent this 13-year-old athletic nutcase for some reason.**

"Sir, I have a thing for strong arms. I just love to wrestle them," Lynn proclaims in front of well-respected officers with ranks, who happened to be recruiters.

"For a 13-year-old, she knows a lot of arms," one general with brown wavy hair (that does not at all look like Michael Bay), "Okay, send her to war."

"Wait, what?" Lynn asks in disbelief.

 **And upon there, she will learn the harsh realities in the battlefield, and that is…being disappointed that the guy who plays her sergeant is not the guy's costar in those** _ **Fast & Furious**_ **movies.**

"Is there any chance that you may know someone called Dwayne?" Lynn asks the bald-headed Shroom, a field sergeant (played in the movie by Vin Diesel), who is resting under a tree.

"Not at all. But I can let you know that life is short but the battlefield is long…" the sergeant utters wisely, but Lynn rebuffs.

"Yeah yadda yadda," she mockingly stops him, "Just tell me if there's any way you can make me meet Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson!"

"I told you, I am not Vin Diesel," the sergeant reiterates, "I am here to impart you words of wisdom, tender, love and care before I hit the sack for an eternity."

"Wait what?"

"I meant literally hit sacks." Lynn looks at the sergeant in disbelief. "What? It's for combat training," the sergeant explains.

 **And she will indeed face those harsh realities…with the same reasons.**

"Please sergeant! Please! Please don't die!" Lynn pleads to sergeant dying in her arms, "You still haven't given me The Rock's cellphone number!"

"I told you I am not Vin Diesel!" the sergeant stresses as he takes his last breath.

And at that moment, Lynn shouts "NO!" in the same manner as Darth Vader in _Revenge of the Sith_. Though, she shifts the tone quickly. "Oh well, call the infirmary. And a casting agent to tell her that there needs to be a replacement for Dom Toretto."

 **Get your hearts moved as she travels back to the U.S. to tell her story through what every true war story has been told, featuring a U.S. tour...**

Lynn can be seen with her squadron consisting of men in their 20s. They can only be dumbfounded that one of their squadron personnel is a 13-year-old.

 **A movie deal…**

Lynn is arguing with a big-time Hollywood producer, who takes a resemblance to Leni (because why not?). However, the producer gives her insight, "Now if you give me the movie to your rights, your team can ride in the tiny limousine."

Convinced, Lynn replies, "Okay, and also give me The Rock!"

 **A contract to appear in many shows, initiated by none other than a white guy with white hair**

The aforementioned guy, who is totally not Lincoln Loud in height, voice and appearance, appears to Lynn and explains her contract in a few words, "Your story, Lynn, no longer belongs to you. It's America's story now."

"Yeah yeah yeah," she snaps back, "Heard it in the news many times. Just as long as I see The Rock in my featured appearances."

"Oh, speaking of the Rock, here it is," the guy utters as he hands Lynn (What else?) a rock. With that, Lynn throws it outside, hitting a car that hits more cars.

 **And a halftime show in a Thanksgiving football game because soldiers are contractually obligated I guess.**

Lynn stands center onstage, along with her squadron. But seeing this as a football game, she jumps off the stage, tackles a group of female cheerleaders and swipes a football with her mouth.

The squadron has mixed feeling about this.

 **But it is not just the publicity of her success that matters. Witness as Lynn Loud gets back to the things that truly mattered to her the most…sports.**

Lynn is scatters her balls in her room and plays on them, with one imagining she is swimming underneath.

"This is depressing," Lucy comments, annoyed.

 **But more than that, it is still sports and a little bit of these things…love for her family**

"Good to be back, older sister," Lucy utters.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, where's my hero sandwich?" Lynn replies.

"Why do you want it?" Lucy asks as she noticeably chows down the said sandwich.

"Duh?! Because it had the words 'hero' in it," Lynn argues, "And I'm a hero."

 **Love for her country…**

Lynn does as a tearful impromptu speech during one of her legs in the tour, "It is truly sad that you have to hear the words of a dying soldier in your arms and ask 'why this guy gets more screen time in _Furious 7_ than the Rock?'" This makes the crowd facepalm. "And you have to ask why you have to hire Beyonce to do a halftime show with us in the background."

 **And love for a love interest I guess?**

Lynn and a male cheerleader exchange stares before Lynn's squadron steps out to make their appearance in the halftime show. That male cheerleader (let's bring in Clyde to the mix) approaches Lynn.

"Lynn, I am so moved by your speech and your heroism," the cheerleader shares his sentiments.

"Really? Because I was just reading the cue cards and sharing my own thoughts," Lynn sarcastically replies.

"No, you made my heart moved," he tearfully implies.

"Aww, too bad you can't see more of that because I'll be sent back to my tour of duty, because politics," she says.

"But may we have a chance?"

"Ahhhhh….no"

 **Huh…okay. So relive another heartwarming, gut-wrenching and pulse-pounding war veteran's tribute that Ang Lee films like a flat screen TV screen saver on the mall that gives the** _ **Hobbit**_ **trilogy a run for its money. And have you get enthused…by how high def the cinema screen is.**

 **Definitely need a TV like this. It's like no other. Oh wait, where's still talking about the movie, right?**

 **Starring:**

 _The Jerk_ = Steve Martin/Lincoln Loud

Bella Swapped = Kristen Stewart/Lucy Loud

Clueless = Leni as the Hollywood producer

A Progress in Society = Clyde as the male cheerleader

Another _Saving Private Ryan_ role = Vin Diesel as the field sergeant

The 2016 Presidential Debates = Lynn's impromptu speech

Literal Rock = the rock that the producer gave

Literal Hero Sandwich = the sandwich that Lucy ate

Literary Material Wasted = the titular book being wasted potential

And the WORST SISTER EVER = Lynn herself (just think of moments from "Space Invader", "The Loudest Yard", "Sounds of Silence", "One of the Boys" and others.)

 _ **Americans Snipe Her**_

 **Truly, this will be the one movie that will rock the awards season, and not the other movies like** _ **La Na Land**_ **or** _ **The Jingle Book**_ **.**


End file.
